From Bingo July 23, 2026 Bingo

A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to waken him and put him off in Buffalo. "I'm a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may give you a hard time. But whatever you do, be sure to put me off in Buffalo....even if you have to put me off in my pajamas."

The next morning, the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take that verbal abuse.

"That ain't nothin'," the porter replied. "You should've heart the guy I put off in Buffalo."

From July 14, 2026 Monthly Meeting

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull. My headlights are out of focus, and it's very hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed, and my fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it! Almost every time I sneeze, cough, sputter or get out of a chair, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

From Bingo July 9, 2026

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old students. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one boy, the oldest of a family of seven answered, "Thou shall not kill."

From Bingo June 25, 2026

A man dashed into a pharmacy and asked the druggist for something to stop hiccups. The druggist filled a glass with water and threw the water into the customer's face.  "Why did you do that?", the man shouted, red-face and drenched. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?", the druggist asked.  "No!', the man yelled. "But my wife out in the car still does!"

From Bingo June 11, 2026

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth birthday, and he wanted to get her something special. At the store, he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he give it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!

From June 9, 2026 Monthly Meeting

An extremely pregnant lady boarded a bus and noticed a young man smiling at her. She felt uncomfortable and moved her seat. His smile them turned into a grin, so she moved again. By the fourth move, he burst out laughing so hard, the woman contacted the police and had him arrested.

In court, the judge asked for an explanation. The man said, "Your Honor, when she first sat down, she was under a sign that read 'The Doublemint Twins Are Coming'. I smiled.

Then she moved under a sign that said 'Logan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling'. I grinned. Next, she sat under a deodorant ad that read, 'William's Big Stick Did The Trick'.  I could hard hold it in.

But when she moved under a sign that read, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident', I lost it.

Case dismissed.

From Bingo on May 28, 2026

The minister taught a class of very young children and decided to see how well they had paid attention to his lessons. He asked three boys what they remembered of the story of the crucifixion. One boy said, "Well, the cross was very heavy - a man had to help Jesus." Another boy said, "It got dark as night and thundered when he died." The third boy said, "Well, He came out from the tomb on the third day, saw His shadow and went back in, and they had six more weeks of winter."

From Monthly Meeting on May 12, 2026

Hilarious Things My Mother Taught Me.... (in honor of Mother's Day, two days ago)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at all that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

From Bingo on April 23, 2026

The captain of a great ocean liner had begun as a cabin boy years earlier and gradually worked up to his high position. He had become one of the most respected men on the high seas. His assistant, who had served with him for years, observed and emulated his every move. But one thing about the captain puzzled him: every morning the skipper went to his cabin, opened the top drawer of his desk, took out a small slip of paper, read it with intense concentration, returned the paper to his desk and locked the drawer.

After many years, the captain retired and his assistant took over command. The first thing he did was open that drawer to discover what was on that slip of paper. The paper had but one sentence on it:  "Port is left; starboard is right."

From Bingo on April 9, 2026

On a foggy night at sea, the ship's captain saw what appeared to be the lights of another ship heading toward him. He instructed his signalman to contact the other ship by signal light. He sent the message, "Change your course ten degrees to the north."

The reply came, "Change your course ten degrees to the south."

The captain responded, "I am a captain. Change your course ten degrees to the north."

Response: "I am a seaman first class. You change your course ten degrees to the south."

The captain was furious. He has his signalman reply, "I am the captain of a battleship. You change your course ten degrees to the north."

Reply: "I am a lighthouse. You change your course ten degrees to the south!"

From the March, 2026 meeting

After the community sing-along at the Seniors' Center, it was time for the star of the show, Harry the Hypnotist! Harry announced that he was about to put the entire audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you, all at the same time," he declared confidently.

The excited chatter faded into silence as Harry carefully withdrew, from his pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch with a delicate chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Harry, holding it high for everyone to see. "It's a very special and valuable timepiece that has been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while softly chanting, "watch the watch - watch the watch - watch the watch."

The audience grew mesmerized as the watch swayed rhythmically. The lights twinkled as they reflected off its gleaming surface. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed its slow, hypnotic motion. Then suddenly, they were under Harry's control.

However, just as the trance took hold, the chain of the old watch snapped. The beautiful timepiece fell to the stage floor and shattered on impact.

"Crap", said Harry.

It took three days to clean up and sanitize the Senior Citizen's Center, and poor Harry was never invited back again.

From Bingo on March 26, 2026

A man was in his home when a flood came. He refused to evacuate, but climbed up on his roof where the water eventually reached his ankles. Soon a neighbor paddled by in a canoe and shouted, "Can I give you a ride to higher ground?"

"No thanks," said the man. "I have faith in the Lord. I know He will save me."

A bit later, the water was up to his waist.  A man in a rowboat pulled up and hollered, 'Hey! Can I give you a lift out of danger?"

"No thanks," answered the man. "I have faith in the Lord and I know He will save me."

Eventually the man was standing on tiptoe with water up to his neck. A helicopter flew in and dropped a rope. "Grab on," the pilot yelled. "I'll pull you up."

"No thanks," answered the man. "I have faith in the Lord and I know He will save me."

However, after hours of trying to tread water and stay afloat, the poor man drowned and went to meet his Maker.  In heaven, he complained to the Lord. "Tell me, Lord, what happened? I had such great faith in You that You would save me. I don't understand. What went wrong?"

The Lord replied, "I can't understand it either. I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"